Duel
by Nick Porter
Summary: What if Ash decided to go out one night and fight a lot of movie villians? Well, here's the answer. Final chapter is up. Please read and review.
1. Freddy and Jason vs Ash

Freddy and Jason vs. Ash  
  
_ Someone is sleeping in a bed. Freddy sneaks up on the person while their asleep._

Freddy: Never sleep again! HA!  
_  
A dark figure walks into the room and turns on the light. It's Jason._

Freddy: OH! Not you again!  
  
_ Jason throws Freddy out the window.  
  
Jason walks through the window.  
  
Jason punches Freddy and Freddy goes flying._

Freddy: Okay! You wanna fight the master of horror! Okay!  
_  
Freddy punches Jason._

Freddy: Where's your machete now!?  
  
_ Jason gets up and punches Freddy.  
  
Freddy tries to punch Jason, but Jason catches the punch.  
  
Jason tries to punch Freddy, but Freddy catches the punch.  
  
The two try to free themselves, but they are both too strong._

Voice: Hey! FREAKS!  
  
_ Both of the horror villains look to see who it is._

Ash: Would you mind not fighting on my lawn? I'm afraid that you're gonna kill it.  
  
_ Freddy and Jason look at each other._

Freddy: Let's kill him!  
  
_ Jason nods his head.  
  
Freddy runs after Ash with his hand in the air about to cut Ash._

Freddy: It's time to slash Ash! HA HA HA!

Ash: Come get some!  
  
_ Freddy brings his hand down to cut Ash, but Ash dodges Freddy's hand and cuts it off. _

_Freddy's hand goes flying._

Ash: Now you know how I feel.  
_  
Freddy looks at the wound where his hand was. He looks up at Ash._

Freddy: AH! My hand! I'll swallow your soul!

Ash: Where have I heard that before?

_Ash rams his chainsaw into Freddy's chest. Freddy screams.  
_

Ash: OW! That's gotta hurt!!!  
  
_ Freddy lies motionless on the ground_.

Ash: Now where is your partner?  
  
_ Jason comes up behind Ash and swoops sideways with his machete trying to cut Ash in half at the waist, but Ash ducks and spins around to cut Jason's legs off._

Ash: How do you like that, shorty?  
_  
Jason crawls to cut Ash's legs, but Ash steps on Jason's hand._

Ash: Momma ain't here to save you now, camper!

_Ash cuts Jason's head off and blood splashes all over Ash's face._

Ash: Now! Who's next?  
_  
Ash pulls out a list of names and crosses Freddy and Jason's name off._

Ash: The stopping of stupid horror movies starts tonight.  
_  
Ash runs down the street with his boomstick and chainsaw ready to take on his next opponent._


	2. Chuckie vs Ash

Chuckie vs. Ash

Chuckie has a knife and is trying is kill Andy.

Chuckie: Come here, friend!

Andy: NO!

Voice: Leave the boy alone!

Chuckie looks to see who it is.

Chuckie: Who are you!?

Ash: The names Ash. The exterminator.  
  
Chuckie runs after Ash, but Ash shoots him in the chest and blows up Chuckie.

Ash: You were scared of this guy? Come on! He's a toy. How many ways can a toy die? Let's see. Burnt, burnt, chopped up, and burnt again. Just blow the sucker up. BLAM! No more Mr. Ugly Toy.  
  
Ash shakes his head and crosses Chuckie off of the list and walks off to fight his next victim.


	3. Candyman vs Ash

Candyman vs. Ash

Ash walks up to a mirror in a hotel bathroom.

Ash: Candyman. Candyman. Candyman.  
  
Candyman's head comes out of the mirror and Ash shoots him in the face, but the Candyman is still alive.

Ash: What the!? This guy's harder to kill than I thought.  
  
Candyman stands up and Ash cuts him in half with the chainsaw.

Ash: What happened to you? You're half the man you use to be!  
  
Ash shoots Candyman in the back. Ash gets his chainsaw and cuts Candyman into pieces to make sure he's dead.

Ash: 'Bout time. Now! Who's next on the list?  
  
Ash crosses Candyman's name off the list and walks off to take on his next opponent.


	4. Scream vs Ash

Ghostface vs. Ash

_Sidney is watching TV and the phone rings. Sidney picks up the phone._  
Sidney: Hello.  
Voice: Do you like scary movies?  
Sidney: Uh. Yeah.  
Voice: Which one is your favorite?  
Sidney: Uh. I like Evil Dead the most.  
Voice: Good choice. Uh, listen. There's a guy outside you window. Do you see him? Can't miss him he's wearing a ghost mask.  
  
_ Sidney looks out the window and sees a ghost mask._  
Sidney: Yes. Why?  
Voice: Just wondering.  
Sidney: Hmmm. Wonder what that was about.  
  
_ Phone rings again. Sidney picks the phone up._  
Sidney: Hello.  
Voice: Do you like scary movies?  
Sidney: OH! Didn't you just call me?  
Voice: I'm gonna kill you!  
  
_Sidney drops the phone and screams._  
  
_ The Ghostface jumps through the window and runs after Sidney._  
  
_Sidney runs for the front door. As she is about to reach the door, a chainsaw blade comes through the door and Ash kicks the door in._  
Ash: GO! GO! Run outside!  
  
_Sidney runs outside and the Ghostface runs around the corner right into the barrel of Ash's boomstick._  
Ash: Time for you to scream.  
  
_Ash shoots the Ghostface in the head, killing him instantly._  
Ash: The first one was kinda scary, but the third one! Whoa! That was retarded.  
  
_ Ash puts his boomstick back into its holster and crosses the Ghostface's name off a list. Ash jumps into his yellow Oldsmobile and drives down the driveway to kill his next target._


	5. Michael Myers vs Ash

Michael Myers vs. Ash

_A girl is running down the street while Michael Myers is chasing her._  
Girl: HELP!  
  
_ The girl runs through an intersection. As Michael walks through the section, a yellow Delta 88 comes out of nowhere and hits him._  
  
_ Ash sticks his head out the window._  
Ash: Did I get him?  
  
_Ash backs up over Myers. Ash sees the body lying on the ground. Michael gets back up, still alive and looks at Ash._  
Ash: Whoa. No problem.  
  
_Ash runs over Michael again, but Myers is still alive._  
Ash: Looks like I'm gonna have to do it the old fashion way.  
  
_ Ash gets out of the car and starts his chainsaw._  
Ash: OH YEAH! LET'S ROCK!  
  
_ Michael runs after Ash with his knife in the air._  
Ash: Oh! A knife. How original.  
_  
Ash shoots Myers in the chest as he is running at Ash and Myers hits the ground. Ash looks at his gun._  
Ash: Ah. My boomstick. Works every time.  
  
_As Ash walks off Michael gets back up and picks up his knife. Ash hears the knife and turns his head around to see what is going on._  
Ash: ::ugh::  
  
_Myers runs after Ash. Myers picks up his knife while he is right behind Ash to kill him, but Ash points the gun behind and shoots Myers in the face._  
Ash: Ever listened to Jackel? Well, I'm the lumberjack now, baby. And I'm gonna cut you down to size!  
  
_ Ash cuts Myers' head off and dismembers his whole entire body. Ash puts the parts of Myers' body in a sheet he finds on a nearby clothesline and puts the sheet in the trunk of his car._  
Ash: And stay dead, dirt bag.  
  
_ Ash scratches Myers' name off the list. Ash drives down to a river and dumps the body. Our hero drives off into the sunrise to kill his next target._


	6. Tooth Fairy vs Ash

Tooth Fairy vs. Ash

_Kyle Walsh is sitting in a room by himself with a flashlight on his face. The Tooth Fairy is flying around the room trying to kill him._  
Kyle: I thought I killed you! How did you come back!?  
Voice: Son, they always come back. And I'm the man to stop them from coming back.  
  
_ Ash turns on a flashlight to show his face._  
Ash: They never die. It's weird.  
  
_ Ash still hasn't looked at the Fairy's face. He loads his shotgun and starts his chainsaw._  
Ash: YO! She-Bitch! LET'S GO!  
_  
The Fairy looks at Ash and starts coming at him. Ash simply turns on the light and the Fairy bursts into flames._  
Ash: Groovy.  
  
_ Kyle gets up to thank Ash._  
Kyle: How did you do that?  
Ash: Well. It takes a lot of sense. If there is a monster that is allergic to light, turn the lights on. Are you people crazy or something? If I heard the story of a woman that kills children, I'd move out of this town. I'm that kind of guy.  
  
_Ash takes out the list and marks the Tooth Fairy's name off. He gathers his things and goes on to take on his next opponent._


	7. Leatherface vs Ash

Leatherface vs. Ash

_Leatherface is chasing a girl through a cornfield. The girl gets away from Leatherface and jumps into the back of a pick-up truck and rides away._  
Girl: NOOOOOO! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

_Leatherface spins around in circles while revving up his chainsaw._  
Voice: What the hell are you doing?  
  
_ Leatherface turns around to see who it is._  
Ash: Are you a dancer? Psycho dancer? Weird.  
  
_Leatherface faces Ash. They look at each other. Tumble weed rolls in between them._  
Ash: There's only room for one vigilante who uses a chainsaw. Do you feel lucky? Well, do you?  
  
_Leatherface revs up his chainsaw. Ash does the same._  
Ash: DRAW!  
  
_ Leatherface runs at Ash with his chainsaw in the air. Ash simply pulls out his boomstick and shoots him in the face. Ash smiles._  
Ash: I fight dirty.  
  
_Ash crosses Leatherface's name off the list and walks up to Leatherface's lifeless body._  
Ash: Hail to the king.  
  
_Ash opens the door to his yellow Delta 88 and drives back home to Dearborn._  
Ash: It's over.


	8. Give Ash a Hand

Give Ash a Hand

_Ash pulls up his car into the driveway and gets out of the car. He walks up to his front door and opens it. He walks in and puts his chainsaw and his boomstick and puts them on his kitchen table. Ash walks into and sits down to watch some TV. He turns it on and "The Adventures of Brisco County Jr." is on the TV._  
Ash: Ah! What else it on?  
  
_ Ash flips through the channels and takes his shoes off while he does it. He finally stops at "Zorro."_  
Ash: Ahhh. Some good family television.  
  
_ Ash watches the TV for a while. Someone comes up behind him and taps him on the shoulder._  
Ash: Oh. Hey. I didn't know you had a key to my-.  
  
_ As Ash turns around he realizes that the thing that touched him is none other than his SEVERED HAND! Ash stands up in horror._  
Ash: I was wondering where you were!  
  
_ His hand gives him the bird._  
Ash: OH! You little-!  
  
_ Ash runs over to his table and picks up his boomstick. He looks around, but his hand is nowhere in sight._  
Ash: OK! Where are you!?  
  
_ Ash's hand runs off into the hallway._  
Ash: I'm gonna finish you off! Once and for all!  
  
_ Ash runs into his hallway looking for his hand. The hand runs into Ash's bathroom._  
Ash: HA! Now you have nowhere to go!  
_  
Ash runs into his bathroom. The hand is running around in circles because Ash blocked its only way out._  
Ash: Gotcha now! You little sucker!  
  
_ Ash's hand flicks him off._  
Ash: OH! So that's what you want!  
  
_ Ash pumps a shell into his boomstick and shoots his hand._  
Ash: HA! Now you're dead!  
  
_ Ash's hand lies lifeless on the bathroom floor. Ash quickly picks up his hand and takes it into the kitchen._  
Ash: I'm gonna make sure you stay dead.

_Ash gets a knife and cuts the fingers off the hand and shoves the fingers and the hand into the garbage disposal._  
Ash: That'll teach ya.  
_  
Ash throws his shotgun on the table and walks into his bedroom to sleep._  
Ash: It's been a long weekend. I hope no one make another stupid horror movie as long as I live.


	9. Ashes 2 Ashes

Ashes 2 Ashes

_Ash wakes up, gets out of bed, and walks into the bathroom._  
  
Ash: Uhhhh...  
  
_ Ash looks into the mirror and sees his reflection._  
  
Ash: Shop smart. Shop S-MART. I hate saying that.  
  
_ Ash looks down to brush his teeth, but his reflection stays the same. The reflection has an evil look in his eyes._ _Ash looks back up at the reflection and looks at it weird. The reflection jumps out of the mirror and starts choking Ash._  
  
Evil Ash: Hi! Remember me?  
  
_ Evil Ash throws Good Ash and pulls himself out of the mirror. Ash runs into the kitchen to get his chainsaw._  
  
Ash: I thought I killed you!!!  
  
Evil Ash: You thought wrong! Come here!  
  
_ Ash grabs his chainsaw and starts it up._  
  
Ash: COME ON!  
  
Evil Ash: Chainsaw! You wimp! Why don't we fight with our bare hands!? HUH!?  
  
Ash: Alright...  
  
_ Ash stabs Evil Ash in the waist with his chainsaw._  
  
Evil Ash (in pain): That's not your hand!!!  
  
Ash: I have a chainsaw hand! Remember!?  
  
_ Ash cuts Evil Ash in half. Blood splatters all over Ash's face._  
  
Ash: OH YEAH!  
_  
Ash walks out the door._  
  
Ash: You've done it know.  
  
_ Ash walks off and gets into his yellow Delta 88 and heads out of town to fight his next opponent_.


	10. Leprechaun vs Ash

The Leprechaun vs. Ash

_The Leprechaun is after his pot of gold, again._  
Leprechaun: I'm the Leprechaun! Where's me pot of gold!?  
Thug: Look, man! I don't have yo pot of gold!  
Leprechaun: Where's me pot of gold!?  
Voice: SHUT UP!  
  
_ The Leprechaun looks around to see who it is. It's Ash._  
Ash: What's with you and the pot of gold? I don't think it would be in the hood. It's probably back in Ireland.  
Leprechaun: Do you have me pot of gold?  
Ash: Uh... Does it look like I have a pot of gold?  
Leprechaun: I don't know. Well, do you have me pot of gold?  
Ash: No...  
Leprechaun: You lie! You have it!  
Ash: If I had a pot of gold, I'd spend it on fixing my car.  
Leprechaun: YOU HAVE IT! AHHH!  
  
_ The Leprechaun runs at Ash with a knife in the air._  
Leprechaun: GIVE IT BACK!!!  
Ash: Oh crap...  
  
_Ash pulls out his twelve gauge and shoots the Leprechaun in the head and in the chest.  
_Ash: I'm the deadite killer, baby.  
_  
Ash laughs crazily and crosses the Leprechaun's name off the list. He gets into his yellow Delta 88 and speeds off to take on his next opponent._


	11. The Mummy vs Ash

Imhotep vs. Ash

_Rick O'Connell is fighting Imhotep. Imhotep throws Rick at the wall, hard. Rick pulls out a sword._  
Rick: DIIIIIIIE!!!  
  
_ Rick runs after Imhotep with the sword in the air. Rick cuts Imhotep's hand off. Imhotep's hand goes flying. It lands right in front of Ash._  
Ash: I've been there before.  
Rick: Who are you!?  
Ash: The names Ash. Thought you could use some help.  
Rick: I do! Get Imhotep!  
  
_ Imhotep walks over and attaches his hand back to his arm._  
Ash: Whoa...  
Rick: Get him with that hand off yours. Jonathon! You almost done!?  
  
_Jonathon is holding the Book of the Living. He is trying to read a spell that'll turn Imhotep mortal._  
Jon: I'm almost finished!  
Rick: HURRY!  
  
_ Ash chops Imhotep's arm off._  
Ash: OH YEAH!  
  
_Imhotep picks his arm up and attaches it back to his body._  
Ash: OH CRAP! HEY! JONNY! HURRY UP WITH THAT SPELL! WILL YA!  
Jon: Emanofust!  
  
_ A chariot made off light runs down the steps and takes Imhotep's powers. Imhotep runs after the chariot, but the chariot disappears._  
Rick: GOOD JOB, JONATHON!  
Ash: YO! Bubba Ho-Tep!  
  
_Imhotep turns around to face Ash._  
Ash: Let's go!  
_  
Imhotep runs after Ash and Rick. Rick throws a spear at Imhotep. Imhotep yells in pain and steps forward in front of Ash._  
Ash: Eat chainsaw!  
  
_ Ash cuts Imhotep's head off. Imhotep bursts into flames and falls to the ground._  
Ash: Groovy.  
  
_ Jonathon runs down the steps to meet Ash and Rick.  
_Jon: We did it!  
Ash: Yeah. WE did. So. What was that mummy after anyway?  
Rick: The Book of the Dead.  
Ash: The Necronamicon!? I've been fighting everything that has to do with that book. Have you fought any deadites?  
Rick: Deadites?  
Ash: You know. Freaking looking people that say, "I'll swallow your soul!" Never fought them. Weird. Well boys. It's been fun, but I got people to kill. See ya.  
Rick: Goodbye, Ash.  
  
_ Ash crosses Imhotep's name off the list and walks on to take on his next opponent._


	12. Jack Torrence vs Ash

Jack Torrence vs. Ash

_Jack is chasing Danny through the hotel._  
Jack: Come back, doc! HA! HA!  
Danny: NO!  
  
_Danny closes a door and locks it. Jack busts through with his axe._  
Jack: HERE'S JOHNNY!  
  
_ Jack walks through the door. Danny runs into another room. Jack comes in behind him and locks the door._  
Jack: Time to die, doc!  
Danny: HELP!  
  
_ A chainsaw blade comes through the door and cuts it in half, slowly. Jack turns around and looks at it._  
Jack: WHAT THE-!  
  
_Ash pops his head through the door._  
Ash: HERE'S ASHLEY!  
  
_ Jack looks at Ash in horror._  
Jack: You the hell are you!?  
Ash: Death.  
  
_Ash shoots Jack in the face with his shotgun. Ash walks over to Danny.  
_Ash: Man. You are gonna need years of therapy after that.  
  
_ Danny has a horrified look on his face. Ash looks into his eyes and lifts his chainsaw into the air._  
Ash: How many blades am I holding up?

_Danny has the same look on his face._  
Ash: Whoa. That usually gets them. Alright. You're comin' with me.  
  
_Ash looks out of a nearby window._  
Ash: Looks like the snow has thawed out. Let's go.  
  
_ Ash picks up Danny and takes him to a hospital in the nearest town. Ash leaves him with the doctor and sets out to take on his next opponent._


	13. Predator vs Ash

Predator vs. Ash

_A group of commandos are fighting an invisible being._  
Soldier 1: I can't hit this thing!  
Soldier 2: TRY! TRY! AHHH!  
  
_ The being takes out one of the soldiers._  
Soldier 1: CAPTAIN! CAPTAIN!  
  
_The soldier looks around for the being. It's nowhere to be found.  
_Soldier 1: AHHH! Where are you!?  
_  
Three dots appear on the soldier's head. BLAM! The soldier is taken out. The Predator jumps down and rips the spine out of both the soldiers. He takes the skulls and flies off into nowhere._  
  
_Ash is slicing through the jungle with his chainsaw.  
_Ash: Okay. Where are you?  
  
_ Predator looks down at Ash. Suddenly Ash has three dots on his head. Ash looks up and sees the Predator_.  
Ash: Gotcha!  
  
_Ash pulls out his twelve gauge and shoots at the Predator. The Predator screams in pain. Ash shot him in the shoulder. Predator shoots at Ash like crazy. Ash dodges one that goes to a log. BLAM! Another one hits a nearby tree that gets cut in half. BOOM! Ash looks around. The Predator is nowhere to be found._  
Ash: I'll get you tonight.  
  
_Ash walks over to a nearby body. He finds a mini-gun._  
Ash: I know what to do with this. Heh heh heh.  
  
_ Ash picks up the gun and runs to a disserted army camp. He takes out a drill and takes the gun apart. He fixes it so that it can fit on his hand like the chainsaw does now. Ash takes the chainsaw off, hangs the chainsaw on his belt, and attaches the mini-gun to his arm._  
Ash: Groovy!  
  
_ Ash gets ready for the fight. He dumps ten gallons of blood on top of himself to throw off Predator's heat vision._  
Ash: AH!  
_  
The Predator fixes his wound and sets off to find Ash._

_It is now nighttime. Darkness is everywhere. Ash is waiting patiently inside of a log. The Predator walks by looking to find any signs of heat. There isn't any. Predator walks off to search for Ash's heat signature._  
Ash: Good...  
_  
Ash crawls out of the log and stands up behind Predator, and whistles. Predator turns around to face Ash._  
Ash: Looking for me!?  
_  
Ash lets out about 100 rounds of ammo before Predator hits the ground. Ash walks up to Predator_.  
Ash: You need to pick a new sport.  
  
_ Predator takes off his helmet revealing his ugly face.  
_Ash: Uh! You should sue your surgeon.  
  
_Predator looks at Ash and starts laughing. The Predator has activated a bomb.  
_Ash: Now that's cheap!  
Predator: RUN! IF YOU CAN! HA! HA! HA!  
  
_ Ash runs through the jungle. He still hears the Predator's laugh a mile away. The bomb explodes right before Ash can get into a cave_.  
Ash: Must... get... out... of... here!  
  
_ A wall of fire is running right behind Ash has he jumps into the cave. The wall of fire stops right as it reaches the cave._  
Ash: That... was... close!  
_  
Ash walks outside the cave to look at the destruction. The explosion took out half the forest._  
Ash: OH MAN! WOOOO! HA! HA! I made it! Now I gotta get out of here before that thing's friends come looking for him!  
  
_ A helicopter comes lands in the middle of the blast area. Ash is waiting. The door to the chopper opens up._  
Soldier 3: What in god's name happened!?  
Ash: World War III. Can you get me out of here?  
Soldier 3: Where are all the men at!?  
Ash: They're all dead. Killed by that thing. That Predator.  
Soldier 3: What happened to you!?  
Ash: Long story. Take me to Maryland!  
  
_ Ash jumps into the chopper and flies to Maryland to fight._


	14. The Blair Witch vs Ash

The Blair Witch vs. Ash

_Ash pulls up into a small town in Maryland. He steps out of the car and walks over to a redneck looking man._  
Ash: Excuse me. Do you know where the Blair Witch is?  
Red: Now, why would you go lookin' for that durn witch?  
Ash: To blast it with my twelve gauge. Why?  
Red: It supposedly killed three kids a couple of years back.  
Ash: Really? Well, I've fought I don't know how many monsters over the last few weeks. So I don't give a crap.  
Red: Well. She's in them wood over thar.  
Ash: Thanks, padre.  
  
_ Ash walks off into the woods looking for the witch. While deep in the woods, Ash stops and looks around. He looks up and sees a stick man hanging from a tree._  
Ash: What the-!? Stick men! I'm getting close.  
  
_Ash slices his way through the forest._  
Ash: God! I hope the force isn't in these woods, too. I hate deadites. Stupid! Never play a tape recording while in a remote cabin in the woods. Rule number one.  
  
_ A force comes up behind Ash and picks him up and takes him out of sight._  
  
_Hours later, Ash wakes up in a cabin._  
Ash: Oh. My head.  
  
_ Ash looks around._  
Ash: Where am I?  
  
_ A girl is facing the corner while a guy in dead on the ground._  
Ash: Whoa! Hey. Pss! Girl!  
  
_ The girl is crying._  
Ash: Where are we?  
Girl: About to face our death.  
Ash: Screw that! I'm killin' that pre-historic bitch!  
  
_ Ash gets up and waits for the witch. The witch walks in wearing a white sheet, covering her face. She creeps over to the girl that is facing the wall._  
Ash: YO! She-Bitch!  
  
_ The witch turns around._  
Ash: Let's go!  
  
_ The witch takes off her mask revealing her face._  
Witch: I'll swallow your soul!!!  
Ash: Well, that's original! Bring it on!!!  
  
_ The witch flies over to kill Ash. Ash revs up his chainsaw. Ash brings the blade down to cut the witch, but she catches his hand and throws him. Ash hits the wall and gets back up._  
Ash: SO! That's how your wanna play! OKAY! Kiss my boomstick!  
  
_ Ash brings out his shotgun and shoots the witch in the head. Her face explodes and blood goes everywhere._  
Ash: I bet now you're a believer in gun control.  
  
_ Ash walks over to the girl._  
Ash: Are you alright?  
Girl: Yeah. What's your name?  
Ash: Name's Ash. What's yours?  
Linda: Linda.  
Ash: I'll catch you later.  
  
_ Ash walks out of the forest, gets into his car, and takes off to fight his next opponent._


	15. A Quick Rest

A Quick Rest

_Ash is driving down a desert rode. He spots a motel with a "Vacancy" sign._  
Ash: Time for some rest.  
  
_ Ash pulls over and parks the car in the parking lot. Ash walks into the main office and rings the bell on the desk._  
Ash: Hello! Is anyone here?  
  
_ A skinny man walks in eating a turkey sandwich._  
Norman: May I help you?  
Ash: Yeah. I'm gonna need a room. One with a shower. I stink.  
Norman: Then you're gonna want room number one. It's the best room.  
  
_ Norman hands Ash the key._  
Ash: Thanks.  
Norman: Don't mention it.  
  
_ Ash walks out. Norman looks at him in a weird way. Ash unlocks and walks through his motel room door. He throws his shotgun on the bed and walks into the bathroom. He takes his clothes off and gets into the shower. He turns the shower on._  
Ash: SWEET JESUS! IT'S COLD!  
Norman: Yesss... Just the way I like it.  
  
_Norman is looking in on Ash taking a shower. He runs out of the room and into his house. Meanwhile, Ash is washing all of the blood off of his body._  
Ash (singing): You're gonna loose your life in Detroit... ROCK CITY!  
  
_ A figure walks into the bathroom. It's an old woman in a dress. Ash sees her and revs up his chainsaw. The old woman rises up a knife and opens the curtains to kill Ash, but he rams his chainsaw into her stomach. The woman hits the ground. Ash steps out of the shower and looks over the woman._  
Ash: Let's see who you are.  
  
_ Ash roles over the body to reveal that the woman is... Norman!_  
Ash: AH! AH! That's just nasty! You're a guy! Look at women! Not guys!  
  
_ Ash puts his clothes on and mops up the blood in the bathroom. He takes Norman's lifeless body and throws it in the quicksand out behind the motel. Ash looks around to see if there are any cops._  
Ash: You weren't even on the list. Oh well. Time to go back to work.  
  
_Ash gets into his Delta 88 and speeds off to take on._


	16. The Creeper vs Ash

The Creeper vs. Ash

_Ash is creeping slowly through a cornfield looking for The Creeper._  
Ash: Where are you, you ugly mother?  
_  
A figure flies into the air, coming towards Ash. Ash turns around, instantly spotting the creature._  
Ash: There you are!  
  
_ Ash revs up his chainsaw._  
Ash: Let's rock!  
  
_ The Creeper swoops down and picks Ash up._  
Ash: PUT ME DOWN! YOU OVERGROWN PIGEON!  
_  
Ash looks up at the creature._  
Ash: Ever had a hurts doughnut?  
  
_ Ash rams his chainsaw into the belly of the beast._  
Ash: Hurts, don't it?  
_  
The Creeper yells in pain and drops Ash. Ash hits the ground and falls unconscious. The Creeper moves slowly toward Ash and comes down on him ready to eat Ash, but Ash's eyes open._  
Ash: EAT THIS!  
  
_ Ash cuts the Creeper's head off with a mighty blow. Ash gets up and starts slicing the Creeper up. Creeper parts are all over the place. Ash is covered in blood._  
Ash (out of breath): How'd you like that? HA! HA! HA!  
  
_ Ash crosses the Creeper's name off of the list of names and sets off to fight._


	17. Jack Frost vs Ash

Jack Frost vs. Ash

_Ash is taking time off from his duties to build a snowman._  
Ash: Okay. Next comes the nose and.. I'm done!  
_  
Ash turns around to take a picture, but the snowman comes to life and taps Ash on the shoulder._  
Ash: What do you... AHHH!  
  
_ The snowman looks at Ash with an evil look on his face._  
Ash: This is too stupid. A walking and talking snowman. You're begging to get killed, aren't you?  
Jack: It's time for YOU to die, Ash.  
Ash: Come get some.  
  
_ Jack charges at Ash, but Ash knocks Jack's head off with a shovel_.  
Ash: AH! HA!  
Jack: OH! You're goin' down!  
  
_ Ash grabs a beer bottle and takes a swig of beer. Ash lights a match and raises an eyebrow._  
Jack: NO!  
  
_ Ash puts the match to his mouth and spits the beer out in a spraying fashion, making a flame come out. The flame hits Jack Frost and he melts._  
Jack: I'M MELTING! I'M MELTING! OH! WHAT A WORLD!  
Ash: Stupid...  
_  
Jack Frost is reduced to a puddle of hot water._  
Ash: Killer snowman? Oh! Come on! Stupid.  
_  
Ash crosses Jack Frost's name off of the list and walks off to take on._


	18. Dracula vs Ash

Dracula vs. Ash

_Ash pulls up to an old castle in his yellow Delta 88. He gets out of the car and knocks on the door. Nobody answers the door._  
Ash: Hello! Is anyone here!? Listen, I'm here to kill you! You see, I'm trying to live a normal life without all of you freaks!  
  
_ Just then, the castle doors open._  
Ash: Okay.  
  
_ Ash walks in and looks around. Spider webs are all over the place._  
Ash: WOO! This guy needs a housekeeper.  
  
_ The door slams shut behind Ash_.  
Ash: Yeah. I can do that too. Now I know a hard trick. Have you ever stopped swing from hitting a way without touching it?  
Voice: Good evening.  
  
_ Ash turns around._  
Ash: Hi there.  
Dracula: How may I help you?  
Ash: Uh... yeah. You could just...  
Dracula: Yesss...  
Ash: DIE!  
  
_ Ash lunges forward with his chainsaw to stab Dracula in the chest, but Dracula turns into a bat and starts flying around._  
Ash: Get down here!  
  
_ Ash pulls out his twelve gauge._  
Ash: You're goin' down!  
_  
Ash shoots at the bat, but he missing every time. Dracula comes down and starts attacking Ash's back._  
Ash: OW! Stop!  
  
_ Dracula continues._  
Ash: Dammit!  
  
_ Ash hits the bat with the butt of his gun and the bat falls down to the ground. Ash walks over to the bat and steps on his wings. Dracula changes back to normal form. By doing this, Ash is now standing on Dracula's arms._  
Ash: It's time.  
  
_ Ash revs his chainsaw up and is about to stab Dracula in the heart, but Dracula kicks Ash in the balls and runs off. Ash falls to the ground in pain._  
Ash: You son of a- OWWW!  
Dracula: HA! HA! HA!  
  
_ Ash gets up holding his crotch and starts chasing after Dracula._  
Ash: AH! Get back here, you coward!  
Dracula: NEVER!  
  
_ Ash chases Dracula into a corner of the cellar._  
Ash (in pain): Nowhere else to go.  
  
_ Dracula gazes at Ash._  
Dracula: Look... into my eyes.  
Ash: No.  
Dracula: Yes.  
Ash: No.  
Dracula: Yes.  
Ash: No.  
  
_ This argument continues for hours, until dawn. The sunlight starts to peak through the boarded up windows of the cellar. The light hits Dracula and starts to burn his skin._  
Dracula: OWWW! I must now finish you.  
Ash: From dusk 'til dawn! Too bad for you!  
  
_ Ash grabs Dracula by the neck and cuts the boards with his chainsaw, letting the rays hit Dracula. Dracula bursts into flames. Ash let's go of him just in time._  
Ash: WHOA!  
Dracula: I WILL RETURN!  
Ash: HA! That's what they all say.  
  
_ Dracula's body turns into dust and flies away into the sky._  
Ash: Cool. Now, who's next?  
  
_ Ash pulls out his list and scratches off Dracula's name. Ash closes his "To-Do List" book and goes on to take on his next opponent._


	19. Wolf Man vs Ash

The Wolf Man vs. Ash

_Ash is walking in a remote forest, looking for any deadites._  
Ash: They're here somewhere.  
  
_ As Ash is walking by a tree, a man grabs is leg._  
Ash: AH!  
Voice: Heeeeeeeelpppp!  
  
_ Ash picks the man up to see who it is._  
Ash: Who are you?  
Larry: Talbot. Larry Talbot.  
Ash: What are you doing out here, Larry?  
Larry: I don't know. I was in my room asleep, and then I wake up here. It's very strange.  
Ash: I'll say.  
Larry: Please. Take me back to my house. I'll give you food and a bed to sleep in.  
Ash: Alright. Will do.  
  
_ Ash picks up Larry and within minutes, they're back at Larry's house. As Ash carries Larry into the house, a maid runs over and takes Larry up to his room._  
Maid: Wait here.  
Ash: Okay.  
  
_The maid comes down the steps to talk to Ash._  
Ash: So. What's wrong with our sleepwalker up there?  
Maid: I don't know. This happens every time there is a full moon.  
Ash: Full moon, eh.  
Maid: Yes. Mr. Talbot goes to bed and in the morning, he wakes up in the forest.  
Ash: Does anything else weird happen during a full moon?  
Maid: Yes. I person always gets killed.  
Ash: Hmmmm. I'll go have a little chat with our sleepwalker upstairs.  
  
_ Ash walks upstairs into Talbot's room._  
Ash: How's it goin', Larry?  
Larry: I'm doing well. What's your name?  
Ash: Name's Ash. House wares.  
Larry: House wares?  
Ash: I work at a convenience store called "S-MART."  
Larry: Well, Ash, I want to thank you for saving me.  
Ash: You're welcome. So, uh, do you know why all the people die when there is a full moon?  
Larry: The only thing I do know is that I know the people that get killed.  
Ash: Did a wolf bite you anytime in your life?  
Larry: Once. A couple of weeks ago.  
Ash: You're a werewolf.  
Larry: A werewolf?  
Ash: Yeah, a werewolf.  
Larry: How do you stop a werewolf?  
Ash: With a silver bullet.  
Larry: A silver bullet?  
Ash: Yeah, we're gonna have to wait 'til nightfall to finish this.  
  
_ It is now nightfall and Larry is getting ready to change into the wolf._  
Larry: Are you going to kill me?  
  
_ Ash puts a silver chain on his chainsaw and silver bullets into his gun._  
Ash: Yeah. It's the only way to stop these murders.  
Larry: I understand.  
  
_Just then, a beam of moonlight hits Talbot. He grows fangs._  
Ash: Whoa.  
  
_ Talbot grows claws.  
_Ash: Ow.  
  
_ Talbot grows hair all over his body._  
Ash: Groovy.  
  
_ Talbot is now a fully-grown werewolf._  
Ash: Sorry, Larry.  
  
_ As Ash approaches the Wolf Man; he throws Ash out of the window.  
_Ash: OH! I'm gonna make this slow and painful!  
  
_ The Wolf Man jumps out of the window in front of Ash._  
Wolf Man: Grrr!  
Ash: You are one ugly beast.  
  
_ Ash rams his chainsaw into the Wolf Man's chest and lifts him into the air._  
Ash: This is going to hurt!  
_  
Ash pulls the chainsaw out and rams his boomstick into the hole he just made and pulls the trigger, killing the Wolf Man. The Wolf Man goes flying and hits the ground hard. Ash walks up to the corpse._  
Ash: No hard feelings.  
  
_ The Wolf Man slowly turns back into Larry._  
Ash: Would you get a load of that!  
  
_ Ash crosses the Wolf Man's name off of the list and heads through the woods to take on his next opponent._


	20. Frankenstein vs Ash

Frankenstein's Monster vs. Ash

_Ash is riding a train to Transylvania_.  
Man: What kind of device is at?  
  
_ Ash looks up at the man._  
Ash: Oh. That's my chainsaw.  
Man: What do you do with that?  
Ash: Kill people.  
  
_ The man gets up and walks off._  
Ash: What!? What did I say!? I'm over here trying to fight the forces of evil, and this guy freaks out just because I have a chainsaw.  
  
_ The train stops._  
Engineer: Transylvania! Everyone off for Transylvania!  
Ash: That's me.  
_  
Ash picks up his chainsaw and gets off the train. Ash stands on the platform looking for his contact._  
Voice: Are you Mr. Williams?  
_  
Ash turns around and sees a man with a hump on his back._  
Ash: Names Ash.  
Igor: Names Igor.  
Ash: Is it "Eegor" or "Eyegor"?  
Igor: It's "Eegor".  
Ash: Suits me, I'm easy. So, where are we supposed to go?  
Igor: Master says we are to come see him. So, please, follow me.  
Ash: Alright.  
_  
Ash follows Igor down some steps and into a wagon. Igor cracks a whip and the wagon starts moving._  
Ash: You know I can cut that off. All we need is some Tequila.  
Igor: Cut what off?  
Ash: Your hump.  
Igor: Oh, Master has already ask me if I wanted it to be cut off, but I like it. Sometimes I use it as a pillow to sleep while standing up.  
Ash: So, where are we suppose to meet the doctor?  
Igor: There!  
  
_ Igor points at the castle Frankenstein._  
Igor: Castle Frankenstein.  
Ash: Whoa.  
  
_ The wagon pulls up at the castle, and Ash and Igor get out._  
Igor: Follow me inside.  
  
_ Ash follows Igor inside. Quickly a man runs over to talk to Ash._  
Man: Greetings, Ash. It's so nice you could come.  
Ash: And you are?  
Doc: Dr. Victor von Frankenstein.  
Ash: Okay, Frank. What do you need?  
Doc: We have a small problem. You see, my monster has escaped.  
Ash: Want me to kill it?  
Doc: No. Just bring it back here.  
Ash: What's the fun in that? Okay. Okay. What's the reward?  
Doc: The sport of finding the monster.  
Ash: I'm all for the sport, but I at least need money to go back home.  
Doc: Okay. I'll pay for your plane tickets.  
Ash: When do we start?  
Doc: Now.  
_  
Ash, Igor, and the Doc are walking through town looking for the monster._  
Igor: How can we find the monster?  
Ash: Follow the screams.  
  
_ A woman screams nearby. The monster snaps a man's back. Now, the monster starts going for the woman._  
Woman: NO! NO! Don't kill me! Please!  
  
_ The monster goes for the woman, but Ash jumps in and cuts the monster's arm off. The monster yells in pain._  
Doc: NO! NO! Do you know how long it took to get that arm?  
Ash: Go get mine. It's in a cabin somewhere. Wait. Nevermind.  
Doc: I said to not hurt it!  
Ash: No, you said no to kill it. I didn't kill it.  
Doc: Don't harm my creation!  
  
_ Suddenly, the monster rips Dr. Frankenstein's head off._  
Ash: Ow.  
Igor: Master!  
Ash: Well, now that he's out of the picture, I can kill this mother!  
  
_ Ash revs up his chainsaw and cuts off the monster's other arm._  
Ash: OOO! AH!  
Igor: The monster!  
  
_ The monster charges at Ash like a train, but as soon as the monster reaches Ash, he cuts the monster in half._  
Ash: I don't care who you are! That's gotta hurt!  
  
_ The monster's upper half looks at Ash._  
Monster: I... I... I'll swallow your... ssssss... SOUL!  
_  
Ash pulls out his twelve gauge._  
Ash: Swallow this.  
  
_ Ash pulls the trigger, blowing the monsters head off in the process._  
Ash: Why does everyone want to swallow my soul? It's crazy.  
Igor: Master.  
_  
Ash walks over to Dr. Frank's body_.  
Ash: He's dead alright. Dead without a head. HA! I could be a poet.  
_  
Ash marks Frankenstein's name off of the list and he sets off to fight._


	21. The Alien vs Ash

The Alien vs. Ash

_Ripley is once again fighting a queen alien. Ripley is shooting the alien with a sub-machine gun. The alien is taking many hits, but isn't going down._  
Ripley: DIE! YOU BITCH!  
  
_ Suddenly, there is an explosion and a man falls down and hits the floor of the space ship. Ripley runs over to check on the man while still shooting the alien._  
Ripley: Are you alright?  
  
_ The man stands up and looks at the alien._  
Ash: Yeah. I'm alright. What the heck is that thing?  
  
_ Ripley pumps two more bullets into the alien._  
Ripley: A queen alien. We can't let her get out of this ship and onto Earth.  
Ash: Groovy.

_The alien picks up Ripley and throws her. Ash looks at the alien and whistles. The alien turns to Ash._  
Ash: LET'S GO!  
_  
The alien walks over to Ash and the chainsaw handed hero shoots the alien in the face with his shotgun._  
Ash: Ohhh! That's gotta hurt!  
  
_ The alien's blood flies and hits Ash's chainsaw and makes it start to melt. Ash quickly takes the chainsaw off his arm before the acid-like blood reaches his skin. Ash looks up at the alien._  
Ash: You're goin' down!!!  
  
_ Ash runs at the alien shooting and screaming._  
Ash: TRY THIS!  
  
_ Ash blasts five shells into the alien. He tries to shoot the alien one more time, but Ash is out of ammo._  
Ash: Oh. Crap.  
  
_ The alien is about to kill Ash, but the alien explodes all over the place. Ash looks around to see where the blast came from and he sees Ripley standing behind the carcass of the beast._  
Ripley: You did pretty good.  
_  
Ash stands up and looks at Ripley._  
Ash: Those aliens and deadites aren't that much different, except when deadites blow up there is ten times or blood.  
  
_ Ash grabs Ripley._  
Ash: Now. Give me some sugar, baby.  
  
_ Ash kisses Ripley, and after he is done he pulls out and tablet._  
Ash: See you around.  
  
_ Ash holds the tablet to the sky._  
Ash: Klaatu! Verata! Nicto!  
  
_ Ash is magically transported into the cockpit of a space shuttle in the past. The crew looks at Ash in a strange way._  
Ash: What?  
Astronaut 1: Uh. Houston, we just got another passenger.  
Ash: Yeah. About that. Would you mined if you took me to Michigan?


	22. Pinhead vs Ash

Pinhead vs. Ash

_Ash is sitting in a room with a cube and his newly equipped diamond cut chainsaw. Ash is moving the box around to open it._  
  
Ash: What the heck is this thing? A deadly game of Rubik's Cube? What do I have to do? Match all the colors?  
  
_ Just then, Ash solves the puzzle and Ash is transported into another world. Ash pops up in a room filled with the remains of people's bodies hanging on chains._  
  
Ash: Whoa.  
  
_ Ash sees a four figures standing at a table. Our chainsaw handed hero walks over to the four to see what they are doing. Ash sees that they are putting a man's face back together.  
_  
Ash: So... uh... What is this? Arts and crafts?  
_  
The four turn around. Ash looks at all of them in disgust. One has pins all in his heads, another is a freaky looking woman, another is a fat fish guy, and the last one keeps chattering his teeth together._  
  
Ash: Am I in the right place?  
  
Pinhead: Yes. You are, Ash.  
  
Ash: What the hell happened to you?  
  
Pinhead: Hell.  
  
Ash: Looks like an old lady attacked you while she was sewing.  
_  
Suddenly, a hook comes down and picks Ash up by his gun holster. Ash is lifted into the air._  
  
Ash: Hey! Now! Put me down!  
  
Pinhead: You have an evil side.  
  
Ash: Sorry, chief. I killed him. Now. PUT ME DOWN!  
  
Pinhead walks over to Ash with a cutting knife.  
  
Ash: HEY! What are ya gonna do with that, chief?  
_  
As Pinhead walks up to Ash, Ash kicks Pin Head in the head. Pinhead falls and hits the ground. As Pinhead is on the ground, Ash pulls himself up and gets the hook out of his back. Ash jumps down and puts his gun up to Pin Head's head._  
  
Ash: BOOM.  
_  
Ash pulls the trigger and sends a lot of pellets into Pinhead's head. To make sure he's dead, Ash chops Pinhead into many pieces. After he's done, Ash stands up and looks at the other three demons._  
  
Ash: Who wants some? HUH!? Who's next!? Scene 9: Ash turns to the fat fish guy and points at him.  
  
Ash: Do you want some? HUH!? You want a little!?  
_  
The fish guy shakes his head._  
  
Ash: Groovy.  
_  
Everything is quiet, except for the chattering demon. Ash looks at him._  
  
Ash: SHUT-  
  
_ Ash pulls out his shotgun and blows the chattering demon's head off._  
  
Ash: -UP!  
  
_ Ash spins the gun around and puts it back in the holster._  
  
Ash: Now. How do I get out of here?  
  
Female Cenobite: You must destroy the box.  
  
Ash: Okay. Where is it?  
  
Female Cenobite: In there.  
  
_ The demon points at a door._  
  
Ash: Thank you.  
_  
Ash walks through the door and finds the box is now a spinning diamond floating in the air._  
  
Ash: Okay.  
  
_ Ash shoots the box and the parts go everywhere and suddenly, Ash is back in the real world. Ash looks around and takes a deep breath._  
  
Ash: Ew.  
  
_ Ash walks out of the house in search of his next opponent._


	23. Pumpkinhead vs Ash

Pumpkinhead vs. Ash

_Ed Harley and two teenagers are running to a farmhouse to escape the evil Pumpkinhead. The three reach the barn door to discover that it is locked_.  
Girl: Unlock the door! Hurry!  
Ed: Calm down! I don't have my key with me. It's inside.  
Boy: Well that was stupid! First you summon this thing, now you lock your keys inside a locked barn! Smooth move, Jack!  
Ed: Looks like we'll have to fight it.  
Boy: Fight it!? Screw that, man!  
  
_ Pumpkinhead pops through the trees and spots the three survivors. The three panic and spread apart away from the barn door. Pumpkinhead goes after the girl._  
Ed: HEY! HEY! Come after me!  
  
_ Ed picks up a flaming branch and starts waving it around to get the demon's attention. Pumpkinhead spots Ed and starts walking his way. Ed looks around for a weapon, but he can't find anything to use._  
Ed: Now what?  
  
_ Suddenly, a chainsaw blade pops through the barn door behind Ed and a brown haired man with a ripped denim shirt walks through._  
Ash: Why don't you let me take over?  
  
_ Ash walks up to Pumpkinhead._  
Ash: What the hell are you? Why do they call you "Pumpkinhead"? Your head doesn't even look like a pumpkin. Oh well.  
  
_ Ash pulls out his double barrel and shoots Pumpkinhead in the chest, but the creature doesn't get hurt. Pumpkinhead looks down at Ash. Ash looks into Pumpkinhead's eyes._  
Ash: Oh sh-  
  
_Pumpkinhead picks up Ash and throws him into the barn wall. Ash lands on the ground hurt. Ed looks at Ash and runs at Pumpkinhead with a flaming branch. Pumpkinhead grabs Ed and throws Ed into the barn. Ed lands on the floor and hits a pitchfork, making it fall down and stab his arm. Pumpkinhead grabs its arm in pain and Ash gets an idea._  
Ash: Now I see.  
  
_ Ash walks over to Ed and helps him up. Ed pulls the pitchfork out of his arm._  
Ed: Thanks, stranger.  
Ash: No problem.  
_  
Ash shoots Ed in the head, killing both Ed and Pumpkinhead at the same time. Ash turns around and watches as Pumpkinhead bursts into flames and disappears._  
Ash: Groovy.  
  
_ Ash spins his gun around like a cowboy and puts it in its holster. The two kids run up to Ash._  
Boy: Why did you kill Mr. Harley?  
Ash: I think that this is the man who summoned that God forsaken demon. They were joined together at thought, like that kid from E.T.  
Girl: Is that thing gone?  
Ash: Yeeeah. For good. Now. If you'll excuse me, I'm goin' after the people that created all of this.  
  
_ Ash gets all of his things and goes on to fight the greatest villains of all time._


	24. The Final Showdown

The Final Showdown

_Wes Craven, John Carpenter, and Stan Winston are all sitting in a boardroom discussing business._  
Craven: Then it's settled, Freddy Krueger, Michael Myers, and Pumpkinhead will appear in a special Christmas movie.  
Carpenter: Great!  
Winston: Super!  
Voice: NO YOU FOOLS!  
  
_The three directors turn to see who is the intruder. It's Ash._  
Ash: Do you know what you are all doing?  
_  
The directors look at each other in confusion._  
Ash: You're ruining your movies. Your art. Tell me. Wes, how many movies has Freddy been in?  
Craven: Six?  
Ash: Six movies! It should have stopped at one. Carpenter, how many Michael Myers movies?  
Carpenter: Seven?  
Ash: SEVEN DAMN TIMES! And Stan, how many movies has Pumpkinhead been in?  
Winston: Three?  
Ash: Okay. Three is alright. I'll give you three. But why? Why do you let your characters be in so many movies!? HUH!?  
Craven: The money.  
Ash: "The money." Do it for your art. These films are a work of art.  
Craven: You know what, Ash? You're right. I'm gonna stop doing it for the money. I'm going to start doing it for the blood.  
Ash: The what?  
  
_ Wes Craven takes off his face changing into Freddy Krueger, John Carpenter puts on a white mask and pulls out a knife, and Stan Winston just stands there._  
Winston: I'm in it for art.  
Ash: Groovy.  
Freddy: Time to call out the rest.  
_  
Freddy snaps his fingers and some other monsters Ash has fought come into the room, Jason, Chuckie, Candyman, Scream Guy, Leatherface, and Pin Head. Ash raises his eyebrow._  
Ash: Come get some.  
  
To be continued...


	25. The Final Showdown: Part Two

The Final Showdown: Part Two  
  
Characters:  
  
Ashley J. Williams (The Evil Dead)- a man that cut his own hand off and replaced it with a chainsaw  
  
Freddy Krueger (Nightmare on Elm Street)- burnt guy who kills people in their dreams  
  
Michael Myers (Halloween)- psycho killer who kills his family  
  
Jason Voorhees (Friday the 13th II)- guy who kills people while wearing a hockey mask  
  
Chuckie (Child's Play)- doll possessed by a serial killer  
  
Candyman (Candyman)- guy who comes out of mirrors and kills people  
  
Scream Guy (Scream)- guy who calls you up and if get one of his questions wrong, he'll kill you  
  
Leatherface (Texas Chainsaw Massacre)- cannibal who cuts people up  
  
Pin Head (Hellraiser)- demon who cuts people up  
  
Stan Winston (Pumpkinhead)- Writer and director of Pumpkinhead  
  
Setting:  
  
Still in Hollywood  
  
Scene 1: Ash is surrounded by some of horror's best villains.  
Ash: Okay. You guys want some more? Fine.  
  
Scene 2: All of the villains pull out their weapons, all of which are used to stab people.  
Ash: There seems to be a pattern here... Now who's first?  
  
Scene 3: Chuckie runs at Ash with his knife in the air.  
Ash: AH HA!!!  
  
Scene 4: Ash stops Chuckie by placing his foot on his forehead. Chuckie sits there running in place while waving his arms.  
Chuckie: You're going down you prick!!!  
  
Scene 5: Ash pushes Chuckie with his foot and shoots Chuckie with his shotgun while the doll in on the floor. Chuckie's head explodes and sparks go all over the place.  
Ash: Gotcha. Didn't I? You little sucker!  
  
Scene 6: Ash looks up at the villains.  
Ash: Next.  
  
Scene 7: The villains push the Scream Guy out. He walks up slowly to Ash. Ash just stars at him. Finally, Scream runs at Ash with his knife pointed at Ash. Ash cuts the Scream Guy's hand off with his chainsaw.  
Scream: AHHHHHHH!!!  
Ash: Ahhhhhh. Put some duct tape on it!  
  
Scene 8: Scream dies after the massive amount of blood loss. Ash just shakes his head.  
Ash: It ain't that bad! NEXT!  
  
Scene 9: Candyman builds up his courage and runs at Ash. Ash rams his chainsaw through Candyman's chest and slices him in half.  
Ash: Candyman. Candyman. No! Wait! You're dead!  
  
Scene 10: Ash exhales a large amount of air.  
Ash: Come on!  
  
Scene 11: Leatherface starts up his chainsaw and walks toward Ash.  
Ash: Okay. You wanna fight the real master? Fine by me.  
  
Scene 12: Leatherface runs at Ash, but Ash lets out two barrels before Leatherface can get in range to cut him.  
Ash: Damn! That's the second time I did that to you, you remade son of a bitch!  
  
Scene 13: Ash looks at the villains.  
Ash: Look! Stop running at me with your knifes in the air.  
  
Scene 14: Pin Head walks up to Ash. The two make eye contact. Pin Head sends some chains out of his hands and wraps Ash up.  
Ash: This is new.  
  
Scene 15: Pin Head rubs his hand across Ash's face. Ash can't do anything because the chains made his arms stick to his body.  
Ash: What the hell are you going to do?  
  
Scene 16: Pin Head pulls out a cutting knife.  
Ash: Sorry. I don't need surgery.  
  
Scene 17: Ash does a flip and kicks Pin Head in the head. Pin Head hits the floor, hard. Ash somehow gets the chainsaw to eat through the chains. He drops the chains on the floor.  
Ash: Yo! Pin Head!  
  
Scene 18: Pin Head looks up.  
Ash: Let's go!  
  
Scene 19: Ash shoots Pin Head in the face with his boomstick and chops Pin Head's head off with his chainsaw.  
Ash: NEXT!  
  
Scene 20: Jason, Freddy, and Michael all step forward at the same time. Ash smiles.  
Ash: I know just what to do to you three.  
  
Scene 21: Ash pulls out the Necronomion Ex Mortis.  
Ash: Noas veratas hallamemba gottar!  
Freddy: NO!  
Ash: Verno venquist yo jimbo caniborrowadollar! Candar! Candar! CANDAR!!!  
  
Scene 22: Suddenly, a vortex opens up and Freddy, Jason, and Michael all get sucked up into the vortex. Ash doesn't get sucked in because hangs onto a sturdy wall.  
Ash: GOT... TO... CLOSE IT!  
  
Scene 23: Ash looks at the pages.  
Ash: Noas stormoino ya donimay! Candar! Candar! Candar!  
  
Scene 24: The vortex closes up and the only thing left is Ash and Stan Winston. Winston walks over to Ash.  
Stan: What happened to them?  
Ash: Sent them on a vacation.  
Stan: Where?  
  
Scene 25: Freddy, Jason, and Michael hit the ground pretty hard. Freddy gets up and discovers that Ash has sent them to a deserted post-apocalyptic earth.  
Freddy: NO! NO! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!  
  
Scene 26: Ash and Stan are back in present times.  
Ash: Somewhere I would want to be.  
Stan: Oh.  
  
Scene 27: Ash and Stan turn around and walk out of the room, side by side.  
Stan: You know what? You did pretty good back there. I know this director that might be interested in making a movie about you.  
Ash: Really? I'll do it if I get to play me.  
Stan: Fine. We gotta come up with a name. Since you fought pure evil and they're now dead, let's call it "Evil Dead."  
Ash: Great name.  
  
THE END.  
  
OR IS IT?  
  
YEAH. IT IS. 


End file.
